Secret Serenity

Secret Serenity

"You're really starting to piss me off," her voice growled from across the scene to my ears--I could feel her anger course through my body; through my heart. Her piercing green eyes shot through the dimmed street lights, hitting directly into my soulless black ones.

Nothing about this situation felt right.. nothing..

"So, what are you going to do?" She yelled out to me through the thick fog of silence and desperation that leaked from our skin, "Are you just going to keep on running?" Her questions found there way into my thoughts, but never found their way out with an answer attached. I didn't know what to say.. or maybe I did, I just didn't know how to say it. All I could do was stand my ground, silent, like always. But, like every other repetitive motion, my silence grew thin and I could sense that it irked her.. irked her in a way that irked me. "Answer me!" She growled with what little hope she had left--and I could hear that hope slowly slipping away.. slowly fading with every sentence.. every word.. every letter.. The despair she felt--I could feel it from a mile away.. We have that sort of connection..

Before she could open her mouth and ask another question, I spoke out. It wasn't very enlightening, or helpful.. but I could sense she was going to break with every silent moment that passed.

"What does it matter--if I do leave, I mean?" I shouted out, blowing the piece of hair that had fallen in my face, breathing the heavy air that felt suffocating and constricting. "It's better this way. You know it is. It was always meant to be this way." I gripped my own fist so tight with every harmful word I spoke.. because, with every sentence I said, a little of my hope burned away.. the hope that I once had--that I once trusted before I became what someone would call a "desolate wasteland." Every moment that I held dear seemed to no longer matter.. It was all just a lie.

"How do you know it's better this way? Everyone always thinks they're right," I heard her voice crack under pressure--under fear. She had never shown fear before.. she always hid it away--locked it behind a brick wall in her heart. I've never seen her cry, not once.. Everyone always said it was impossible for her to cry.. but I always knew they were wrong.. Everyone has their breaking point, even if for all of their life they've been holding everything in. There's no such thing as 'alright.'

"It is right--this is right.. I was nothing more than tool for everyone to use.. nothing more than a mere puppet! How are you going to tell me that going back is better than this?"

Until this point, I wasn't really sure of what I was doing, or if what I was doing was truly right.. but I guess I just made up my mind right there.. right then.. right now. Now's the time.. In that instance, I seemed to have opened my eyes, feeling their soulless stare glaring at me from the inside. I could feel my heart jump and then trip over itself in a failed attempt to feel sorrow.. I've never felt remorse, or regret, before.. I don't even know what it truly means.. but I would always hear people talk about it.. How people would say "sorry" when they did something that hurt someone else.. I never understood why.. All I could feel was Serenity.. All I could feel were her regrets, her sadness, her anger.. and at one point, though, I thought what I was feeling was my own emotions.. I later learned that I was wrong.. I was never meant to feel anything for myself.. I'm not even meant to have a soul.. But right now, I could feel what she was feeling.. and it was extraordinarily different than anything I've felt from her before.. she felt.. cold..

"You were never a puppet to me!" Her sudden voice seemed to awaken me from a conceded daze. "Please, don't--" She cut herself off and I just stood and stared as her head went down. The wind whistled past me, but I couldn't feel it, I could only hear it.. Stray drops of tears fell from the sky, hitting my skin, but I could only see it.. I couldn't feel it.. This is the kind of stuff that drives me insane. Everything I could see or hear, but couldn't feel.. Nothing seemed real..

I couldn't let this go on any longer.. I could feel everything building inside of her, ready to burst into flames of anger.. As I reached for my sword, she put her head up and stared with a sense of disgust that I would actually be willing to fight her like this.

"What are you planning to do, Kayden?" She spat out after seeing me grab and pull out my sword when she didn't even reach for her weapon once.

"I'm.. I'm sorry that I have to do this.." I gripped the body of my sword tight and held it out in front of me, blade ready, "Please, don't hold back.."

This motion seemed to irk her even more.. She growled in anger and threw out in an outburst, "What's your problem?" Her voice echoed the empty streets. "You think you can just do whatever you please without any sense of direction or purpose!" She reached her hand to her back, "Well, fine! You just keep on running! Trying to find something that's never meant to be found," and in her fit of rage, she pulled out her weapons--two butcher-like, medium sized swords--and held them out in front of her, "But trust me when I say this!" She pointed one directly at me, "I'll always be there to bring you back!"

In that instant, all composure left the both of us as we sprang at one another with no mercy--head on--my blade met both of hers in a collision that sparked with friction so intense that the force pushed us away. Another lunge; I ran toward her with full force, swift and quick.. just how they made me.. Once again, our blades met.. Again and again, the outcome was the same. Our morale matched, our battle style matched.. our strength was just a reflection of each others. All of the useless lunges left us breathless, but the failures didn't keep us from trying again.

I threw my sword back as I ran toward her again, ricocheting it, only to have it collide with her blades once again. The collision ended with us both being pushed away. Serenity fumbled back to gain her balance; I stood, sturdy, on my feet, ready to collide once more.

"You can't keep this up, Serenity--we both know this," I yelled in an attempt to make her give up, even though I knew she wouldn't.

She gained her balance and readied herself for another collision, "You don't know how weak you are, do you?"

Her question threw me off a little bit. I retreated my sword, still gripping it, but putting the blade to the ground with a curious expression. Her green eyes seemed to cut me deeper right then.. The same green eyes that welcomed me the very first day I was introduced.. The same green eyes that never left my side.. even when I foolishly ran away so many times.. Those green eyes always showed me the truth.. until now.. Now they only showed a vindictive glare of vengeance.. A vain, and soulless stare.. almost as soulless as..--

Suddenly, she moved her blades into an X formation in the air, and glowed her glare through it, locking with my confused daze.. Then, out of nowhere, she moved--quick and swift--as if she weren't even human. In that split second, the wind rushed past my body, blowing me off balance, and catching me off guard.. and in that moment, something hit me.. cut me.. on my face first, each side, then my back, and then my stomach. My body flailed with every motion that hit me.. and every single one hit me hard. I didn't yell, nor did I scream--I was only thrown off of my feet, falling to the hard pavement with a thud.

I pushed myself up from the ground slowly, surveying the area until I found her standing behind me.. Once I saw her, I hopped back on my feet and readied my sword, aiming the blade at her, expecting to give no mercy.

She didn't do anything.

We both stood, motionless--only I stood, ready with my sword, and she stood with her blades to the ground. Should I make the first move?

Then, she broke the murderous silence, "Can you feel it--your cuts, I mean?" She nudged her head in my direction with a blank expression. "Can you feel the blood on your face? Or the blood that's dripping down your body?" I froze in that moment, and slowly put my blade to the ground as I lifted my hand to my face. Upon taking my fingers off of my cheek, I saw a dark liquid on their tips.. a deep red.. I touched my cheek again and saw more of it appear on my fingers. Confusion formed the shadow of fear as I dropped my sword and began twisting and turning, touching my body.. Every time, more and more red appeared on my palms.

"You can't feel it, can you?" I looked over at her as she spoke.. She gradually began to walk toward me, slowly, while she spoke, "You don't know what it feels like to be harmed--to be stabbed, or cut, or hit.." She was at least five feet away from me now. "You can only feel it when it happens to me.." She stepped closer again. I was paralyzed. Suddenly, she lifted one of her swords up and extended her arm toward me. "Isn't that right?"

Then, out of nowhere, she brought the blade over her arm and pressed it down, sliding it across, revealing more deep red liquid. In that instant, I could feel it.. on my arm. I gripped where the pain stung, but I couldn't grip it hard enough. I felt the slicing pain enter me as she pressed her blade down even harder. I was speechless--I couldn't breathe nor think. My mouth was agape as I desperately gripped my arm in excruciating pain. My eyes stared into her pain filled ones.. I could see she felt the same pain that I was feeling.. Everything she feels, I feel.. Then, I felt something.. something I couldn't explain.. It crept up my throat in a breathless manner, making its way like an invisible mad man.. That's when it happened.. I felt it escaping me in an outburst of uncontrollable emotion..

I screamed..

I screamed in agonizing pain.. I began pleading for her to stop as the sickness of the feeling made me collapse to my knees. "Enough! Enough!" I yelled out, clenching my eyes shut and gripping my arm. "Please!"

The pain ceased..

I heaved my breath as I held back vomit that resulted from a pounding migraine.. My hand slid from my arm to the ground as I sat on my knees, staring at nothing. Then I looked up at her. She stood over me with her arm dangling.. Blood streamed down it like a river, ending with drops, that looked like tears, falling to the pavement. I looked down at my arm and saw the same picture..

"..why?" I whispered as I moved my eyes to hers, "..why can't you just let me go? You can't destroy me without destroying yourself in the process.." I felt exasperated.. exhausted for reasons unknown.. My body felt worn out and tired, but yet, I didn't do anything..

I saw her grip her sword even tighter, but she didn't use it.. she threw it aside and just stared down at me, trying to show no fear.. but I could feel it.. I could see it..

"..you know what has to happen.. why can't you just let it?" I heard desperation in my voice.. I was shocked by it.. but I didn't show it.

"You think this is the right thing to do.. You think this is the way to find out what you want to know.. It's not. You think the truth will help you?" She raised her voice with a grunt and a snarl of anger and annoyance, "Because it won't.. But no matter how many times I tell you.. You won't listen to a God damn word that I say.. and I can't stand it anymore." She clenched her fist.

I swallowed what little spit I had left in my mouth and trembled in the aftershock. "You won't be able to"-- I grunted in pain--"stop me.."

"That may be true," she clenched her other blade tightly, "But"-- she sighed-- "If I'm going down..you're going down with me!" In that moment she swung her blade up and ricocheted it back down toward me. Acting fast, I took my sword and spun it around before her blade had made contact.. and in one powerful swing, my blade met hers, blocking me as the blow made her body fly back and land hard on the ground. I stood, stumbling to gain my balance as I stared at her motionless body.

Right then, I had a choice to make.. leave her--leave everything behind and search for the answers.. or go back to the worthless life I lived before.. I slowly wobbled over to her body, putting my sword back in its holster. Upon making it, I saw the deep red liquid ooze out of cuts that were all over her body.. I reached for her and turned her over on her back, staring at her closed eyes and cut face.

Falling to my knees in fatigue, I hung over her in a lifeless daze, trembling. Unconsciously, I reached for her hand and held it.. gripped it tightly in hopes that she could actually forgive me. Before speaking, I brought my face to the top of her hand and kissed it:

"I wish it didn't have to happen this way.." I put my hand to her face and I could feel her unconscious pain.. her unconcious regret and grief.. and at that moment.. I actually felt.. remorse.. "I'm sorry.." The words that I didn't even know the meaning of seemed to slip out so easily.. I gently placed her hand on her chest, and after getting to my feet, I took two steps before collapsing.. My body hit hard against the pavement.. My vision got blurry.. my head began to ache and feel light.. I couldn't move.. I could barely breathe.. Slowly, my eyes felt so heavy that they forced themselves to shut.. that's when everything went dark..