"A Likely Story"

The way she smiles makes my heart feel as light as a feather. 

When I see her throughout the day, it makes going through the day actually worth it. When I don't see her, I usually go out of my way in order to see her, just to see her face, and to smile at her--maybe wave in a shy motion. She always seems so happy, so calm, and charismatic. I like seeing her. I love talking to her. I adore knowing her. She brightens up my day--takes the pain away--always makes the worst turn into something better. She's amazing. But I can't shake the feeling...the feeling that what I'm feeling is wrong..

Peyton put her pen down, and stared at the words for a moment upon finishing. She re-read what she wrote over and over again--every time, the emotions would grow stronger, yet more sheepish than before. It was the uncertainty--the pure anxiety--of this nightmarish notion that drove her to her bashful ways. She was always a bit shy--never taking the initiative to talk to strangers, always hiding behind someone while being introduced--but she was never averse about the ways in which she felt. She used to be so confident in her thoughts, but now she feels as if they have betrayed her. Betrayed her in a way that she can't even come close to fathoming.

It was a summer day--mid July. The sky was raining sunshine, as the occasional breeze blew by to keep the heat wave from turning into a tsunami. Peyton had plans to meet up with her friends at the park, but she decided to make a quick sojourn to the nearby creek--a serene place that she would visit everyday just to keep her mind at ease by watching the water sail calmly past the rocks, creating the sound of serenity. Her friends kept texting her and calling her cellphone, wondering where she was and why she was late, but Peyton disregarded every text and every call because she preferred the creek. She preferred the alone time rather than the constant chatter, gossip, and never ending rumors. Her group of friends were exactly like that. Rumor makers. Gossipers. It was as if they never have anything better to do with their time. Which they don't, because they don't make anything better happen. Peyton, however, tries continuously to make something better happen. She never expects anything, though, she just waits for it, and some times she would help it. She's never content with just sitting around and talking about other people as if they didn't have feelings. In fact, she never really understood why she's friends with such people. She had always blamed it on Life, and its plan.

As she ambled down the sidewalk, ear-buds in both of her ears, music at a high enough volume to please her, yet at a low enough volume to stay aware of her surroundings, she caught herself meandering through her thoughts...mostly about her friends and her happiness. She knew she was happy. She knew she had friends. But is it her friends that make her happy? Peyton didn't know. She mused on it for a while, bringing up past occurrences, and feelings, both hard and happy, yet she couldn't draw a conclusion. Maybe she was thinking about it too much--making something big out of something small. She shrugged it off. What are friends anyways? People you can go and talk to? People you can count on? People that will be there for you? She never really put an exact label on the the term 'friends' because she never really knew how it felt to have good ones.

The day was so young, sun still shining bright, sky still as clear as crystal. Cars drove past Peyton, creating gusts of wind that blew into her body with great force, but filled her with refreshing thoughts, even if the gas smelled awful. The creek was just a few blocks away now, considering she had to take alternate routes to make it so she didn't have to walk past the park on the way. The anticipation of being so close, yet so far to the creek always filled her with impatience. She just wanted to get there--to be there--even if she did enjoy the short stroll in order to get there.

The last block turned into the last few steps as she finally arrived at her destination--a dead end road that led to a small patch of grass, taking you to the motive of your trip. Peyton continued down the path, to the small patch of grass, and then down the small incline that led to the creek. Although, always being alone when she makes these trips, she was a little thrown off by what she saw when she grazed the creek's jagged shoreline. A person. A girl. Teenager. This sudden sight made Peyton's nerves tingle with the uncertainty of how to act around this stranger. The thought about leaving came into her mind, but it never really checked itself out into an action. Peyton found herself walking toward the creek, despite the stranger's presence. She felt a weird sensation that made her curious--even if she didn't know what her curiosity was leading to.

She walked to the creek slowly, but surely, making sure she wasn't being too quiet as if she were sneaking up, and not too forceful as if she were confident in what she was doing. The teenage girl was sitting on one of the protruding rocks connected to the rock wall that extended from the shoreline to the middle of the creek. That's where Peyton prefers to sit. The stranger wasn't doing anything, it seemed, she was only sitting and staring at the water. She had nothing in her hands, or by her side. She was just sitting on the rock, silent, until one of Peyton's steps snapped a stick in half. At that moment, the girl's head turned in that direction, meeting and locking with Peyton's eyes. Peyton stood stiff, feeling suddenly embarrassed, and awkward, but the girl, upon seeing Peyton, only smiled. It was a warm and welcoming smile that made some of Peyton's fear melt away.

"Hey there," the girl greeted, calmly, with a wave and a smile. She turned her body toward Peyton and then stood herself up on the rock. Her clothing consisted of a blue v-neck t-shirt, jean shorts, and black converse. She had auburn hair that lit up red in the sun's light, but faded to more of a brown in the shadows. Her complexion was a flawless, soft, white glow.

"Hi," Peyton tripped over her greeting with an awkward smile and a slight wave. The girl walked off of the rocks and came onto the shoreline, toward Peyton. Peyton met her half way.

"You like coming here too, huh?" The girl was still smiling. Up close, Peyton looked into her eyes, noticing the baby blue that glimmered through the eyeliner, as well as the small stud in the right corner of her lower lip. Peyton's silent response shifted the conversation elsewhere--"My name's Evalin," she gave a 'nice to meet you' wave and smiled, "I come here everyday. It's so nice."

Peyton didn't say anything at first, she only stared. Her bashfulness got the best of her in this situation; she felt incoherent...in layman's term, she felt dumb. "My name's Peyton...yeah, it's really nice out here." She mumbled fast in an unsure manner.

"How often do you come down here?" She asked all confident like--Peyton came to the conclusion that this girl didn't mind strangers.

"Everyday...I walk here just to sit and think..." Peyton gave the first and only answer that materialized in her brain, but it came out in a sloppy, 'I'm an awkward kid' sort of way.

"I do the same thing too," she smiled upon finding out that they had something in common, "Only, some times it gets real lonely...I mean, I like being alone, mostly, but there are times when I'm lonely."

Every sentence--every word--that came out of this girl's mouth, it was as if Peyton was listening to a recording of herself. In her head, Peyton said, oh yeah, I get that way too, some times. But out loud, she just agreed and shrugged, still trying to seem friendly because she did, in fact, want to talk to this stranger, she just didn't know how to act around new people.

"You know," she trailed off as she began to walk back toward the creek--Peyton slowly followed--"You're the first person I've seen while visiting here, which is really odd given the fact that it's so nice."

The way she spoke seemed almost hypnotizing to Peyton. Her tone of voice, so soft, and kind, made Peyton want her to keep talking, but she knew she had to at least be responsive in some way.

"Oh yeah"-- Peyton dodged out of her hypnotized like state--"that is really weird. I don't really see anyone here either...It's usually just me when I come around...And I don't usually see anyone walking this way."

"Right?" She immediately answered back, "It's kind of strange. But it's whatever, I mean, more alone time, right?" She walked back to the creek and onto to the rocks, then looked over at Peyton, "Wanna come sit down?"

Peyton showed her agreement by just walking over and sitting on the rock next to the stranger. "Your name's Evalin, right?" She asked the girl upon sitting, "Do you live around here?"

"Yeah," she curled her knees up to touch her chin as she stared at the running water, "I live right down the street. Just moved in last month."

"Really?" Peyton's eyes wondered from Evalin's face to the water, then to her face again, "Where'd you move from, and why move here?"

She took a moment to respond, then proceeded, "From California. My family wanted to move here for the summer. I don't know why. I was actually really bummed out about it because I have no friends here, and it's the summer." She moved her eyes to Peyton, "But then I was walking around, real bored, and I stumbled onto this place, and this is what's been keeping me sane."

At that moment, Peyton didn't feel as alone as she normally felt. She doesn't have any friends here, Peyton thought to herself, she's all alone and she comes here to be alone...

"Yeah...I know what you mean...I mean--well, I've been living here, but I don't have many friends...errr..." Peyton choked on her words, "...I don't have, like, any friends that I would actually consider to be friends." She shrugged as if it didn't matter, "I just don't click with any of them." Her eyes went to the sky.

"Yeah, I had only one good friend back in California, and I miss her like crazy. She was the only person who really understood me. Now I'm here, in New York, without any kind of clue." There was a sigh in her voice.

Peyton tried lightening the mood up a little bit, "Well, we might not be all sunshine, but New York is still cool--I mean, we have New York City..." Her voice trailed off, and she didn't say anything for a moment..."I'm sorry you had to leave California to come here."

She smiled, and chuckled, "Ahh, I don't really care. Crap happens, ya know? Gotta learn to live with it!" She turned to Peyton and grinned. Peyton's heart jumped instantly, and she couldn't help but smile back. "I mean, at least I have this place to come to whenever I want," Evalin shrugged happily.

Peyton stared at her, up and down, from her hair to her converse. She watched as her red hair shimmered in the sunlight, she admired how her eyes shined, and how there was this aura of contentedness that seemed to radiate off of her. Peyton couldn't help but stare for curious reasons unknown. She felt a strange attraction to this stranger--her charisma drew Peyton in like a bee to honey, and Peyton was hooked. Hook, line, and sinker. This stranger had got into Peyton's mind--her voice, her smile, her words ate at Peyton. She longed for her to keep talking. She yearned for her to smile again...why?

"The Fifth Day"

"Help me..." She whispered so quietly that not even she could hear herself.

The clock struck midnight, and its gong rang her ear drums, vibrating the inside of her head like a jack-hammer. The echo sent a chill through her body as it bounced off of every wall, lingering as long as it was able to, which drove her mad. Her wrists were torn and bloody; she could feel the liquid oozing out of the wounds she had caused from trying to unbound herself. But still, she kept trying, even if she failed every time. Her ankles were numb and limp, and she could no longer feel any blood coursing through those veins; the rope had been tied tight enough to where it cut off circulation. The gag that had been shoved in her mouth choked her--made it hard to swallow--to breathe. She sank her teeth deep into it to keep herself tamed.

Once the clock's gong stopped ringing, the house fell to a complete silence. There was only the faint sound of her breathing that kept her company. The hard wood floor was cold and unforgiving. It had been her bed for the past hundred and nineteen hours. It was going on its hundred and twentieth.

Her mind had grown weak and empty. She no longer thought about how it happened or asked herself why it happened. She just laid there on the cold, hard wood floor, lifeless. Suddenly, a squeak sounded throughout the house, and her heart began to race like a sprinter as she heard calm footsteps drawing closer and closer. She cringed her eyes shut as tight as she could; panic arose from the pit of her stomach. The footsteps came closer; and closer; and closer.. then they ceased. She opened her eyes as her breathing turned to heaving; sweat raining down from her forehead as the suspense kept jabbing into her lower stomach. The silence is what killed her the most. The unbearable, inadmissible, white noise screaming at her constantly.

Tears began to drip from the corners of her eyes, down her cheeks, landing with a small splash on the floor. The footsteps began again. The suspense. The panic. The paranoia. It all washed into her once more like a wave, drowning her helplessly with no interior motive but the longing to kill. The footsteps led with calm thumps on the wood, growing louder and louder as they drew closer. She felt her soul leave her body once the footsteps had ceased where she thought to be right behind her. Cries and whimpers squealed from her throat; her whole body shivered until it fell stiff. She had no choice but to condemn herself to the inevitable as her eyes wandered until she was capable of seeing through her peripheral vision. 

All she could do was plea, “Please don’t hurt me…”

R.I.P April 26th, 2012

She was laying in our red lawn chair, curled up in a grey blanket when it happened.

Her breathing was abnormal.. as if she couldn't breathe at all.. She didn't move.. nor blink.. I had just arrived home from a German Club meeting with news from my father that she wasn't doing well.. and I didn't know what to think.. All I did was walk over to her and pet her head, grooming her soft fur. I stared into her non-blinking eyes, and I could feel a stake wedge itself into my chest. She heaved once in a while, which relieved us in knowing she was still alive.. but we knew it was only a matter of minutes.. I sat on our coffee table as I kept her company while we all waited for my sister to arrive.. When she finally pulled up in her boyfriend's car, and when she walked through our front door, I knew it was time for me to leave her alone--to move from the coffee table to somewhere else, so my sister could have her all to herself.. First, I just walked over to our dining room, watching my sister pet her beloved animal for the last time.. I couldn't take the sight. So, I left the room and meandered about the rest of the house.. but that's when it happened. A few minutes after I had left the room, I heard loud heaving, and then silence..

After the silence came the mourning from my sister.

"Bri.." My father called out to me.. But I already knew.. I already knew what had happened without even having to be there.. I slowly walked down our hallway, hearing my sister's cries grow louder as I approached the living room.. Once there, I saw my mother and my sister huddled by our red lawn chair, crying and petting her..

She was dead.

My heart wrenched, and ached with anger and sadness as I watched my mother hand her to my sister all curled up in the grey blanket..

It's not fair.

I sat down on the coffee table once again, and just stared while my sister rocked her back and forth, wishing for it to not be true.. But it was, and that's life.. Life hurts... Life gives.. then Life takes away.. It has that kind of power.. Power over all of us.. I didn't know what to do as the tears started escaping from my eyes.. I bit my tongue.. but I couldn't bite it hard enough..

What's done, is done.

Finally, my mother and father wrapped our beloved animal up in a blue checkered, wool blanket, and placed her into a box.. She looked so peaceful, and comfy.. as if she were sleeping.. My father closed the box, and duct taped it shut.. And as he did it, I could see the sadness in his eyes.. I could see his eyes glisten from tears that wanted to come out, but he wouldn't let them.. He placed the box on the table, right in front of me. I stared, and reached my hand to it, angered and conflicted.. Without a second thought--I knew my father was going to bury her soon, so I had no time for second thoughts--I went to our kitchen drawer and rummaged through it until I dug up a black sharpie. Without hesitation, I went over to her box, uncapped the marker, and began to write what will always be true, and what I hope she always knew to be true..

"Priscilla--we love you so much. You're such a good kitty.. Goodnight and sweet dreams.. <3"







Priscilla. R.I.P. April 26th, 2012 <3

Journal Entry

I will never be as confident as I wish to be.. There are many nights and many days when all I want is to be held. I love being held. And most of the time, I don't want to talk about what's bothering me.. Sometimes, I just want a hug and someone who will let me cry on their shoulder.. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and most of the time, I really am naive. I know what it feels like to be completely broken and I am all too familiar with what it means to really be hurt. I know what it's like to see something funny and not laugh. I've been taken advantage of, used, and abused. My feelings have been blatantly disregarded. But I still believe that all people are good at heart, and most of the time, this belief has stabbed me in the back.. I trust people who might not deserve it and who might throw it around like it's confetti.. But my trust in people will never diminish. Try as I might to never trust anyone, I fail. Completely. I always put my trust in someone way too easily.. Why? I don't know. But I always end up hurt.. as if I've fallen on my knees, and I can't get back up.. Idunno.. Perhaps I'm only wearing my heart on my sleeve to see who will actually pull me to my feet.. But what do I really know?

Secret Serenity

Secret Serenity

"You're really starting to piss me off," her voice growled from across the scene to my ears--I could feel her anger course through my body; through my heart. Her piercing green eyes shot through the dimmed street lights, hitting directly into my soulless black ones.

Nothing about this situation felt right.. nothing..

"So, what are you going to do?" She yelled out to me through the thick fog of silence and desperation that leaked from our skin, "Are you just going to keep on running?" Her questions found there way into my thoughts, but never found their way out with an answer attached. I didn't know what to say.. or maybe I did, I just didn't know how to say it. All I could do was stand my ground, silent, like always. But, like every other repetitive motion, my silence grew thin and I could sense that it irked her.. irked her in a way that irked me. "Answer me!" She growled with what little hope she had left--and I could hear that hope slowly slipping away.. slowly fading with every sentence.. every word.. every letter.. The despair she felt--I could feel it from a mile away.. We have that sort of connection..

Before she could open her mouth and ask another question, I spoke out. It wasn't very enlightening, or helpful.. but I could sense she was going to break with every silent moment that passed.

"What does it matter--if I do leave, I mean?" I shouted out, blowing the piece of hair that had fallen in my face, breathing the heavy air that felt suffocating and constricting. "It's better this way. You know it is. It was always meant to be this way." I gripped my own fist so tight with every harmful word I spoke.. because, with every sentence I said, a little of my hope burned away.. the hope that I once had--that I once trusted before I became what someone would call a "desolate wasteland." Every moment that I held dear seemed to no longer matter.. It was all just a lie.

"How do you know it's better this way? Everyone always thinks they're right," I heard her voice crack under pressure--under fear. She had never shown fear before.. she always hid it away--locked it behind a brick wall in her heart. I've never seen her cry, not once.. Everyone always said it was impossible for her to cry.. but I always knew they were wrong.. Everyone has their breaking point, even if for all of their life they've been holding everything in. There's no such thing as 'alright.'

"It is right--this is right.. I was nothing more than tool for everyone to use.. nothing more than a mere puppet! How are you going to tell me that going back is better than this?"

Until this point, I wasn't really sure of what I was doing, or if what I was doing was truly right.. but I guess I just made up my mind right there.. right then.. right now. Now's the time.. In that instance, I seemed to have opened my eyes, feeling their soulless stare glaring at me from the inside. I could feel my heart jump and then trip over itself in a failed attempt to feel sorrow.. I've never felt remorse, or regret, before.. I don't even know what it truly means.. but I would always hear people talk about it.. How people would say "sorry" when they did something that hurt someone else.. I never understood why.. All I could feel was Serenity.. All I could feel were her regrets, her sadness, her anger.. and at one point, though, I thought what I was feeling was my own emotions.. I later learned that I was wrong.. I was never meant to feel anything for myself.. I'm not even meant to have a soul.. But right now, I could feel what she was feeling.. and it was extraordinarily different than anything I've felt from her before.. she felt.. cold..

"You were never a puppet to me!" Her sudden voice seemed to awaken me from a conceded daze. "Please, don't--" She cut herself off and I just stood and stared as her head went down. The wind whistled past me, but I couldn't feel it, I could only hear it.. Stray drops of tears fell from the sky, hitting my skin, but I could only see it.. I couldn't feel it.. This is the kind of stuff that drives me insane. Everything I could see or hear, but couldn't feel.. Nothing seemed real..

I couldn't let this go on any longer.. I could feel everything building inside of her, ready to burst into flames of anger.. As I reached for my sword, she put her head up and stared with a sense of disgust that I would actually be willing to fight her like this.

"What are you planning to do, Kayden?" She spat out after seeing me grab and pull out my sword when she didn't even reach for her weapon once.

"I'm.. I'm sorry that I have to do this.." I gripped the body of my sword tight and held it out in front of me, blade ready, "Please, don't hold back.."

This motion seemed to irk her even more.. She growled in anger and threw out in an outburst, "What's your problem?" Her voice echoed the empty streets. "You think you can just do whatever you please without any sense of direction or purpose!" She reached her hand to her back, "Well, fine! You just keep on running! Trying to find something that's never meant to be found," and in her fit of rage, she pulled out her weapons--two butcher-like, medium sized swords--and held them out in front of her, "But trust me when I say this!" She pointed one directly at me, "I'll always be there to bring you back!"

In that instant, all composure left the both of us as we sprang at one another with no mercy--head on--my blade met both of hers in a collision that sparked with friction so intense that the force pushed us away. Another lunge; I ran toward her with full force, swift and quick.. just how they made me.. Once again, our blades met.. Again and again, the outcome was the same. Our morale matched, our battle style matched.. our strength was just a reflection of each others. All of the useless lunges left us breathless, but the failures didn't keep us from trying again.

I threw my sword back as I ran toward her again, ricocheting it, only to have it collide with her blades once again. The collision ended with us both being pushed away. Serenity fumbled back to gain her balance; I stood, sturdy, on my feet, ready to collide once more.

"You can't keep this up, Serenity--we both know this," I yelled in an attempt to make her give up, even though I knew she wouldn't.

She gained her balance and readied herself for another collision, "You don't know how weak you are, do you?"

Her question threw me off a little bit. I retreated my sword, still gripping it, but putting the blade to the ground with a curious expression. Her green eyes seemed to cut me deeper right then.. The same green eyes that welcomed me the very first day I was introduced.. The same green eyes that never left my side.. even when I foolishly ran away so many times.. Those green eyes always showed me the truth.. until now.. Now they only showed a vindictive glare of vengeance.. A vain, and soulless stare.. almost as soulless as..--

Suddenly, she moved her blades into an X formation in the air, and glowed her glare through it, locking with my confused daze.. Then, out of nowhere, she moved--quick and swift--as if she weren't even human. In that split second, the wind rushed past my body, blowing me off balance, and catching me off guard.. and in that moment, something hit me.. cut me.. on my face first, each side, then my back, and then my stomach. My body flailed with every motion that hit me.. and every single one hit me hard. I didn't yell, nor did I scream--I was only thrown off of my feet, falling to the hard pavement with a thud.

I pushed myself up from the ground slowly, surveying the area until I found her standing behind me.. Once I saw her, I hopped back on my feet and readied my sword, aiming the blade at her, expecting to give no mercy.

She didn't do anything.

We both stood, motionless--only I stood, ready with my sword, and she stood with her blades to the ground. Should I make the first move?

Then, she broke the murderous silence, "Can you feel it--your cuts, I mean?" She nudged her head in my direction with a blank expression. "Can you feel the blood on your face? Or the blood that's dripping down your body?" I froze in that moment, and slowly put my blade to the ground as I lifted my hand to my face. Upon taking my fingers off of my cheek, I saw a dark liquid on their tips.. a deep red.. I touched my cheek again and saw more of it appear on my fingers. Confusion formed the shadow of fear as I dropped my sword and began twisting and turning, touching my body.. Every time, more and more red appeared on my palms.

"You can't feel it, can you?" I looked over at her as she spoke.. She gradually began to walk toward me, slowly, while she spoke, "You don't know what it feels like to be harmed--to be stabbed, or cut, or hit.." She was at least five feet away from me now. "You can only feel it when it happens to me.." She stepped closer again. I was paralyzed. Suddenly, she lifted one of her swords up and extended her arm toward me. "Isn't that right?"

Then, out of nowhere, she brought the blade over her arm and pressed it down, sliding it across, revealing more deep red liquid. In that instant, I could feel it.. on my arm. I gripped where the pain stung, but I couldn't grip it hard enough. I felt the slicing pain enter me as she pressed her blade down even harder. I was speechless--I couldn't breathe nor think. My mouth was agape as I desperately gripped my arm in excruciating pain. My eyes stared into her pain filled ones.. I could see she felt the same pain that I was feeling.. Everything she feels, I feel.. Then, I felt something.. something I couldn't explain.. It crept up my throat in a breathless manner, making its way like an invisible mad man.. That's when it happened.. I felt it escaping me in an outburst of uncontrollable emotion..

I screamed..

I screamed in agonizing pain.. I began pleading for her to stop as the sickness of the feeling made me collapse to my knees. "Enough! Enough!" I yelled out, clenching my eyes shut and gripping my arm. "Please!"

The pain ceased..

I heaved my breath as I held back vomit that resulted from a pounding migraine.. My hand slid from my arm to the ground as I sat on my knees, staring at nothing. Then I looked up at her. She stood over me with her arm dangling.. Blood streamed down it like a river, ending with drops, that looked like tears, falling to the pavement. I looked down at my arm and saw the same picture..

"..why?" I whispered as I moved my eyes to hers, "..why can't you just let me go? You can't destroy me without destroying yourself in the process.." I felt exasperated.. exhausted for reasons unknown.. My body felt worn out and tired, but yet, I didn't do anything..

I saw her grip her sword even tighter, but she didn't use it.. she threw it aside and just stared down at me, trying to show no fear.. but I could feel it.. I could see it..

"..you know what has to happen.. why can't you just let it?" I heard desperation in my voice.. I was shocked by it.. but I didn't show it.

"You think this is the right thing to do.. You think this is the way to find out what you want to know.. It's not. You think the truth will help you?" She raised her voice with a grunt and a snarl of anger and annoyance, "Because it won't.. But no matter how many times I tell you.. You won't listen to a God damn word that I say.. and I can't stand it anymore." She clenched her fist.

I swallowed what little spit I had left in my mouth and trembled in the aftershock. "You won't be able to"-- I grunted in pain--"stop me.."

"That may be true," she clenched her other blade tightly, "But"-- she sighed-- "If I'm going down..you're going down with me!" In that moment she swung her blade up and ricocheted it back down toward me. Acting fast, I took my sword and spun it around before her blade had made contact.. and in one powerful swing, my blade met hers, blocking me as the blow made her body fly back and land hard on the ground. I stood, stumbling to gain my balance as I stared at her motionless body.

Right then, I had a choice to make.. leave her--leave everything behind and search for the answers.. or go back to the worthless life I lived before.. I slowly wobbled over to her body, putting my sword back in its holster. Upon making it, I saw the deep red liquid ooze out of cuts that were all over her body.. I reached for her and turned her over on her back, staring at her closed eyes and cut face.

Falling to my knees in fatigue, I hung over her in a lifeless daze, trembling. Unconsciously, I reached for her hand and held it.. gripped it tightly in hopes that she could actually forgive me. Before speaking, I brought my face to the top of her hand and kissed it:

"I wish it didn't have to happen this way.." I put my hand to her face and I could feel her unconscious pain.. her unconcious regret and grief.. and at that moment.. I actually felt.. remorse.. "I'm sorry.." The words that I didn't even know the meaning of seemed to slip out so easily.. I gently placed her hand on her chest, and after getting to my feet, I took two steps before collapsing.. My body hit hard against the pavement.. My vision got blurry.. my head began to ache and feel light.. I couldn't move.. I could barely breathe.. Slowly, my eyes felt so heavy that they forced themselves to shut.. that's when everything went dark..